:: Monday, August 03, 2009 ::

I am not going to explain. I am not going to lament. I am not going to even post here often, if at all.

I am going to simply state.

I volunteered to host this site and as painful as it is at times to revisit, I personally think it deserves to be, to truly honor Jeff's band and music. No huge up to date memorial site is planned, no tributes, no anything...just the site as Jeff built it with navigation fixed for functionality.

I say this not as a friend or member, but simply as a fan. I cannot share the music...
it is not my place but I can keep the site up as long as allowed.

Styk

:: Styk 4:18 PM [+] ::
...

test
:: Styk 12:27 AM [+] ::
...

just why
:: < Tortured > 7:17 PM [+] ::
...

I miss my brother, I miss my dad.
:: < Tortured > 6:20 AM [+] ::
...

I spent most of the day yesterday fixing computers in the house. Mine crashed a week ago and now it's finally up again.

At any rate I wanted to post this yesterday.

Happy Birthday Jeff!...

I miss you, you bastard.
:: Styk 9:28 AM [+] ::
...

Invitations, flyers, movies, and Jeff...

It's all fine and dandy to do a "movie" night event again. I'm not knocking on that at all. I guess it's rubbing me the wrong way because Jeff's name and image are attached to it. It stinks just a little bit of using Jeff's name and image to push something. Then again I'm an asshole. I don't trust people. But then I have reasons.

I'm all for remembering Jeff. Shit I couldn't forget anyway. Who could that actually gave a shit about him and loved him? I just don't see the point in splattering his name all over an event. If the event is about movies (which it should be and what it was when Jeff started it) then make it about movies. Besides he isn't here anymore...which I don't think any of us will ever forget and certainly don't need an event named after him to remember.

For all I know "permission" was granted, not that it was legally needed. It's all cool and whatever. I'm just saying I don't agree with it. Do a movie night all you want. Dedicate opening night to Jeff in memory. Fine. Cool. But don't name the event after him and use his picture in the flyers. I just think a line was cross that stretches the boundary of "in honor of" and using name and image to promote an ongoing event.

I suppose it's a matter of perception. All I know is I what I deem acceptable or what I would be comfortable doing myself....you decide for yourself.

That's my worthless very biased 1.5 cents. Could be I'm just grumpy.
:: Styk 9:00 AM [+] ::
...

I guess no one read this, no one read this ever.....

His memory is gone, no one sits and wonders why anymore do they? no one cares. We are all such selfish creatures. Yes, and I mean you.
I myself am a selfish piece of shit. I don't even make time to grieve, I just push it off, push it off another day. God, I miss you Jeff, I miss you Dad.....

What else need be said...
:: < Tortured > 12:03 AM [+] ::
...

WHERE AM I AND WHY DOES THIS BEER TASTE SO GOOD?
:: < Tortured > 11:20 PM [+] ::
...

Been a long time since I faced the truth. Uncovering things in my life that make me uncomfortable. We are a selfish breed no doubt, selfish and without self control. Again and again we prove that we, society as a whole cannot handle the intamacy of life. Watching as we move, move out of the family homestead, we see the little things, the reminders of how fast life is, of how we only realize what' missing when it's gone. Tragic, tragic the games played, hurtful and deceitful, he is. I miss my Dad and my Brother. I read the notes I wrote Jeff when he was in fourth grade camp. So silly, I probably bitched when my mom made me write it. But to hear the words again, to hear them with an untainted mind....to see the D&D books, the comics, the star wars toys....

God, I would give anything to be there again, to be there when the only thing that mattered was who was dungeon master and who had the most hit points......
:: < Tortured > 4:02 PM [+] ::
...

So, it has been a year, that is so hard to imagine. The world has gone on, hell, I have gone on...but, my heart still sits in February 2004, waiting for him to come home from work....

still waiting
:: < Tortured > 8:54 PM [+] ::
...

the days creep, the meaning still the same, we go on....


I go on without you and I hate every minute of life.
one more game of tekken
one more bellowing of reeves
one more anything

dad and you, you went so fast, no chance to look back or embrace, it's so unfair...
I hate your god, I hate your rules, I hate much these days

guide me from wherever, look over and send me to what's real and lets focus on that....perpetual motion, perpetual life for no reason other than living....blah
:: < Tortured > 9:20 PM [+] ::
...

With everything else going I hadn't really been paying attention to the actual "date" on the calendar recently. I mean I am aware the "anniversary", for lack of a better term, is coming up. I find it odd albeit natural I suppose that Jeff has crept into everyday conversations of late. It's either his way of saying "Hey remember me" or our way of remembering him. As if we could ever forget. I've been writing some music too which will always bring memories flooding upon me. I miss him so badly and I wonder if that pain will ever go away. I suppose it's supposed to stay there to a degree but it can sit there and fester and keep you from "moving on". Somewhere there is a balance I suppose. Don't think I'm quite there yet.

In some ways I believe I would not be where I am in life in regards to my personal happiness had all of this not happened. Jeff's passing helped me realize some things in my life needed to change. I have and am changing them and it's been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I may never had done anything to set my path on a different course otherwise. For that I am grateful. I still wish him here. More than ever.

Somedays I am grateful and thankful for this. Others I want him here but then things may not have changed. Others I am furious that there had to be an "ultimatum" in first place. Why could I not have Jeff AND realized my life needed changing. Therein lies the true anger I feel from time to time. Perhaps it's simply a shortcoming of human nature. Why must it take a tragedy to make everyone realize some things about themselves and there own life. Perhaps that's the lesson. It's our responsibility to learn from these things. It makes us better people. But it doesn't change the simple fact that I loved and miss my best friend and I want him back.

Thank you my friend for helping me realize some things I needed to change. Even in your final breath you helped me more than you could ever have imagined. I'll be visiting soon. Keep watching over us.
:: Styk 10:44 AM [+] ::
...

So this be where it's at.

I let my brother in law into my life. I save him from jail. I work my ass off to make a difference. I lay my dick on the table....
The only requirement is that he not lie. So easy, just tell me the truth and don't lie, and we will go through everything together....no such luck

Lie to me, fine, lie to my mother......you fucked up. that is it.

now deal with my fury, ask no questions for did you ask for anything different. I told you not to deceive me, that was the only rule...that's what you do though isn't it. lie. lie. lie.

:: < Tortured > 8:32 PM [+] ::
...

kick ass, let someone into your heart, let em in and they fuck you so many different ways. Nothing like some dry anal sex to fix you up!!

:: < Tortured > 8:27 PM [+] ::
...

yeah, my brothers friend, nope, can't help you feed your kids....I fucking rock....or suck whatever....

*singing*

Scott is a failure........



God I miss him, I miss DAD, FUCK you so called pwerful one, come down here and show me what you got, cause I ain't fucking scared.

What torture....yeah, that is what my family plays..........so fuck you.

:: < Tortured > 8:35 PM [+] ::
...

fuck, fuck, all things come apart, all things end. Here we go, a month or so to go., This is all I have left, this passion. They are gone....

:: < Tortured > 8:19 PM [+] ::
...

I fucking hate Christmas. The End.

Oh and I can't believe it's been 10 months since Jeff passed away. Fuck.

:: Styk 3:56 PM [+] ::
...

Here I am again with my bi monthly post as if anyone but me gives a shit.

I heard a new song from Jeff that I have never heard before. Something he wrote with Kate. It really pains me to know that this is the last piece of creation from Jeff that I will ever hear. There will be no more. Ever. Never ever. It hurts. I cry. I listen over and over again. The notes and peaks cut like a blade. Lift goes on, it goes on without him, but I think of him. I wonder why. It seems so non descript to deal. It hurts to think that this is it, go on and live, almost as if he never existed. I declare bullshit.

I really miss Dad. I sit and think that maybe in my minds eye, I can see them sitting on a ledge in heaven, watching over, laughing and causing little pieces of havoc, just for fun. I hung a christmas ornament from my Dad, the stupidest things will make you cry.

Why did my peaceful little world get toyed like this?

:: < Tortured > 9:16 AM [+] ::
...

Yeah, blue text for Jeff......

Things have been high pressure for months now, I guess since February, life has been in E.R. mode. I feel like a T.V. show gone bad. So much trauma. Fuck you powers that be, I didn't like 24 when it was on and I sure don't want to live it. Everything that has happened, it feels like a punishment for 32 years of so called happiness. Swift kick in the face, here you go, this is what you get for trying to be an honorable man, her is what you get for trying to live a good life.

ahhhh, just bullshit rambling again, anger, anger, pain and torture. Each day I open my eyes, I just want to close them again. This can't be what it is about. I expect to be branded a fool, and overactive emotional, extreme fool. Most people just go on, I'm stuck in the past.

yeah? fuck you.

:: < Tortured > 7:19 AM [+] ::
...

With every tweak and twinge in my chest, I count the time of death. With many respects I feel trapped in this body, one side just wants to go, to go see them. The other side wants to stay and take care of unfinished business and kiss my wife and children. To leave this body would be a crime for sure, this I know. I feel cheated. What games do these power play, why are we do we have self awareness. Sometimes I wish to be an animal, one that functions off instinct and not conscious thought.
Each time I close my eyes, I see the glazed eyes of death roll towards me, did he see me? I wonder. Did he hear me call him? Surely he must have. Was that his arm around me on the side of the highway, his strength holding me up? Given the weakness of this mind and spirit, I must have been helped through it. Why did the powers called God choose this family to toy with today? The tatoo on my body spells out my pain, the piercing reminds of burning truth. I think to the parlor, jamming steel through my body, the pain brought warmth and reminder of reality. I often think that could I get away with it, I would cut, just to wake me up, to bring truth. Truth is pain, life is pain, sprinkled with tease of joy, just enough to keep you going. Survival. Yeah, that's a great word, why, why bother, what point? To see more loved ones go? To watch through glazed eyes as my Son calls my name on roadside and wonders and tortures his spirit? To watch my wife go? To see my Daughters die? To watch......that's all I can do. I can watch. Sit helpless and fucking watch. Gone the days of youth and feelings, the invincible feeling that I can control and change my future and affect others. What I wouldn't give for that feeling again, that feeling that I have some say in my future or my destiny. Just a helpless little lion, being hunted and trapped by the hunter, all the rage, strength and fury, but not the tools to get out....

This is where I live.

:: < Tortured > 8:36 AM [+] ::
...

So now Dad too.

Hearts....such a strange thing. Was it a broken heart that Killed Jeff? I don't think so. I know it was not a broken heart that killed Dad. But now I have a broken heart. Will I now go too?

The solitude of madness is all that can be seen, the trauma of games played, the movement of the pieces. Go directly, as requested.

:: < Tortured > 8:14 AM [+] ::
...