:: Thursday, October 28, 2004 ::

Yeah, blue text for Jeff......

Things have been high pressure for months now, I guess since February, life has been in E.R. mode. I feel like a T.V. show gone bad. So much trauma. Fuck you powers that be, I didn't like 24 when it was on and I sure don't want to live it. Everything that has happened, it feels like a punishment for 32 years of so called happiness. Swift kick in the face, here you go, this is what you get for trying to be an honorable man, her is what you get for trying to live a good life.

ahhhh, just bullshit rambling again, anger, anger, pain and torture. Each day I open my eyes, I just want to close them again. This can't be what it is about. I expect to be branded a fool, and overactive emotional, extreme fool. Most people just go on, I'm stuck in the past.

yeah? fuck you.

:: < Tortured > 7:19 AM [+] ::
...

With every tweak and twinge in my chest, I count the time of death. With many respects I feel trapped in this body, one side just wants to go, to go see them. The other side wants to stay and take care of unfinished business and kiss my wife and children. To leave this body would be a crime for sure, this I know. I feel cheated. What games do these power play, why are we do we have self awareness. Sometimes I wish to be an animal, one that functions off instinct and not conscious thought.
Each time I close my eyes, I see the glazed eyes of death roll towards me, did he see me? I wonder. Did he hear me call him? Surely he must have. Was that his arm around me on the side of the highway, his strength holding me up? Given the weakness of this mind and spirit, I must have been helped through it. Why did the powers called God choose this family to toy with today? The tatoo on my body spells out my pain, the piercing reminds of burning truth. I think to the parlor, jamming steel through my body, the pain brought warmth and reminder of reality. I often think that could I get away with it, I would cut, just to wake me up, to bring truth. Truth is pain, life is pain, sprinkled with tease of joy, just enough to keep you going. Survival. Yeah, that's a great word, why, why bother, what point? To see more loved ones go? To watch through glazed eyes as my Son calls my name on roadside and wonders and tortures his spirit? To watch my wife go? To see my Daughters die? To watch......that's all I can do. I can watch. Sit helpless and fucking watch. Gone the days of youth and feelings, the invincible feeling that I can control and change my future and affect others. What I wouldn't give for that feeling again, that feeling that I have some say in my future or my destiny. Just a helpless little lion, being hunted and trapped by the hunter, all the rage, strength and fury, but not the tools to get out....

This is where I live.

:: < Tortured > 8:36 AM [+] ::
...