The "Anniversary"...

I was going to post something yesterday but I just couldn't do it. It hit me harder than I expected and I suppose I was in a weird mood all day to a degree. I didn't mean to be. Some days the whole thing seems like it just happened all over again. Yesterday was one of those days. Some days it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm not going to be too personal here because my memories are mine and I don't feel like sharing them. No offense. I could share cute whimsical things about Jeff but I won't. I do. I just won't here. I could share more intimate personal things between Jeff and I. I won't here and I do...sometimes. This won't be one of those times.

I'll keep it simple. Yesterday I felt like I did exactly one year ago. I loved him and I miss him more than ever.

If you think he was one of those unique people you meet in your life that you'll always remember. One of those people that "left their mark". One of those people that hated or loved was always a topic of discussion. One of the most complicated and misunderstood people you've ever met. An individual that just simply drew people in. A person chocked full of personality and idiosyncrasies. Then you would be right and that's just the beginning.

If you knew him and were close to him I have no doubt you already consider yourself lucky to have known him. If you weren't, you missed out on an extrodinary person touching your life, but I suspect even if it was a brief moment in time you knew him or met him...you will most likely never forget him.

For me it's drawing closer to the time when I can take what has been given to me. The lessons, time together, friendship and the impact he left on me and roll it over into something I can look back on in my life and say " I did that". I have already taken steps to improve my life but I'm not so sure I have left my unique impact on those around me. Perhaps I have just in different ways. All I know is I am restless and not for some obvious reasons. Now that things have settled and new paths are taken, it's time to resurface and raise some hell I think. It's time to take life by the horns and ride. Just fucking ride. Hopefully stay on long enough and do something worthwhile in the process. Sorry for the "rodeo" analogy it seemed to fit. Never the less I haven't done my one "great" thing in my opinion. Some would say I have or at least some smaller "good" things. I just don't want to look back on my life and say I should have done this or that. Regret is an instant killer. Ask my father. To some degree I feel I have a new lease on life. I plan on doing something about it.The death of my best friend had something to do with that.

Now go do something with yours...

Styk

An update? Well let's see...Prospects? Yes some. Am I worried? Yeah a lot. All I can do is keep plugging away. Eventually things have to work out.

Saw Will Z and met his "punkin". She seems cool and Will Z seems quite different than I have ever seen him. I'm glad he's got some positive things going on.

Ran across another "journal" entry with my name used in a negative fashion once again. I thought eventually the negative BS would end. Apparently not. I don't get it but then I do. I mean I have stayed completely away from the "scene" and any negative BS for a reason. I am beyond it. I dont need it. I play music, I do a show occasionally, and yet I still get crap from somewhere. Will people ever just grow up? Sigh...

Well let's clear something up. Except for a very specific aspect of my daily life which every single person has had to deal with on occasion I couldn't be happier with my life. There are reasons that I am happier now than in the past. I'll leave you dear reader to figure out why. I am quite happy, content and in fact giddy, and the only time "bitterness" or anger creeps in is when someone elses' stupid BS crosses paths with me. The past is the past and some people THRIVE on it. Should you choose to dabble in the realm of ever present BS is your business, just leave me, my life, and my fucking name out of it. That's all I really have to say. Most likely it changes nothing. It never did nor do I expect it ever will. The game of hypocracy that's continuously played out I want nothing to do with. I have opinions and I don't like certain people. That's honesty. That's integrity. I am not an asshole about it. I simply choose to not bother. If not playing the game makes me an asshole in your eyes, so be it. It makes my life happier. What about yours?

I have been quite inspired recently to write music by both very good things in my life and some negative things as well. The problem is time. Making time to actually do it. Not writing while inspired is a mistake as that's when the best things usually happen. So note to myself. Get on the ball. K..I will.

Much love and respect to my lil' guppy. ...;)