Spoke with Sasha today. She's up for the show in May and anything else really. There is a reason Jeff and I have worked with her all these years besides her obvious talent. She keeps things fun, focused and otherwise sane. Gotta love her.

It was mentioned the possiblity of something sooner. I'll be honest. I don't think I have my shit together enough to do it. I have been procrastinating on some rehearsal issues for obvious reasons, however Will Z and I are planning the purchase of some P.A. cabinets in the next week or so. So that issue will at least be resolved. If we get them and can get something accomplished, then I'll entertain the idea. Until then May is the goal.

Finished up a new StykFaktor track (although it still need vocals) and tweaked a new one I had started before Jeff passed away. So I'm up to 3 new songs. Have a 4th one in mind at least lyrically.

I have tweaked some old Visions demos as well. Not sure where I'm going with that. I may just start from scratch, but it seems at least for now I may do something with that project. If it isn't right I won't though. Simple as that. I just think it deserves to go on at some point. Thats all I know for now.

I ALMOST put this in the news section. almost....

My best friend and bandmate is DEAD. I lost my house. My fucking bad credit is ruined....Ha fucking Ha. I'm sick. I'm fucking tired. I want to play music. There isn't any fucking place LEFT to play in this worthless city. All I want to do is sing...for him...for me...for us. I need some fucking P.A. cabinets to rehearse but I have no show scheduled. Oh I have one planned. From beginning to end. I want to stand in front of the microphone and just fucking SCREAM! and I want to make NOISE!

I've had it with assholes, life, and negativity and by the way this year so far blows fucking ass! Oh and I'm not to fond of your so called GOD either. Piss the fuck off.

There's some fucking news. Chew on that.

Hey it's my Journal....fuck you.

So the idea of us playing at the benefit planned for Jeff came up. Nocturnal Feeding II. Should StykFaktor play or not? That is the question. It would be the end of May. Well I decided why not. One problem. I'm procrastinating already. The last thing I want or need is too much stress for this show. Especially this show. I am planning a on a few Visions songs. I know what I want to do so I have been tweaking some Visions sequences. Quite literally sad to hear at this time. Thus my procrastination. Somehow I will get through it but I'll be damned if I wear myself out doing it. I already AM worn out. All I know is this fucking sucks but I am going to do it. I just need to.

And so the St.Louis Goth scene broils and stews once again. I admit I had a hand in it. I don't care. The comment made WAS bad taste AND insensitive. Just one more stupid thing to drag what little momentum we had going down. Any wonder why people like me debate within themselves why even continue with a band in this city. The utter thoughtlessness of one person and BAM back to grouind zero. Sad. Truly sad. Of course there would be backlash. How the hell could anyone not expect it? I swear people literally make me ill.

Jeff my man either you are laughing or shaking your head right now. You know they just won't get it will they.

Article on Jeff Carline by DJ Leon Lamont. Someone who actually "got" Jeff. Well done Leon.

Here's some irony for you all. A compilation disc I was asked to be on and dropped from just recently asked me if I want back onboard. I can't seem to remember which damn song I was submitting but never the less in the wake of Jeff's death I find this quite....weird. At any rate as I have stated elsewhere the band StykFaktor will go on..the others only time will tell. I had begun some demo tracks for the new CD before this all happened. My plan is to get back into it whether or not I have to force myself. As painful as it will be it's something I know I must do if even for the therapy.

As for Will Z and Sasha? I am quite sure Will Z is still onboard and I have plans to discuss things with Sasha. Of course I want her to continue with us but if she chooses not to for obvious reasons I would understand. I'm just going to roll with the flow since it seems for now I have no choice. Everyone needs their own time to deal with this and I will not push anyone into something they do not feel comfortable doing.

The first step...firing up some equipment and I'm quite sure a loud ass fucking guitar. It just seems thats where I'm headed.