Life is certainly lending itself well as fuel for potential song material lately. If I was always happy I would never write anything though. Has to be a little sadness and heartache otherwise it's sugar coated crap. Comes from having among other things, country music in my upbringing. I mean REAL country music. Not the imposter we have all heard and despise.

I of course want to be happy. But you know I wonder about that whole "suffering for the sake of art" thing. I mean do we actually create our own misery simply to feed a creative outlet? Kinda scary when you think about it. You know life is always going to throw you a curve ball, but to actually keep stepping into the pitch? Well I do know one thing...I'm appalled I used a sports analogy...

*shudders*

K...music stuff. So I went through this whole ordeal when I blew up my soundcard awhile back. I bought a new one of course and had nothing but problem after problem installing it in my old computer AND the new one I got. First of all Creative Labs lie..period. The chips ARE NOT the same. Secondly their drivers are bloated and suck ass. Having said that I ended up using some third party drivers for the card which for the most part kicked ass. The problem was synching Audio with MIDI in Sonar. HUGE problem. I downloaded the updates the other day hoping that issue had been addressed...no such luck. So considering this is a BIG problem in terms of new StykFaktor music or Vision's music, I hold my breath and try the Creative drivers again for the 10th time. I have no idea what the hell happened but this time they worked. I think they were updated since the last time I tried them, but after running new and old sequences in Sonar only one had a problem which I think can be fixed with some instrument tweaking. Just once I would like shit to work the way it's supposed to. The third party drivers MIDI implementation blows Creative away, however the Audio synchs like it's supposed to with the Creative drivers....*throws hands in air*. So for now I'm sticking with Creative drivers which seem to be working. So it's on to new material after the holidays.

I swear this was easier when all I had to do was sing or plug in a guitar...

Oh I'm still entertaining the idea of an acoustic set....why?...because I can.

Merry, Happy, Whatever Holiday you celebrate!

Love & Stuff to Jeff, Will Z, & Sasha.

Um...got a nice new free tatoo. Saw The Return Of The King. Having an extra special visitor this weekend. The Black Plague is almost gone. After about 4-5 hours tomorrow, I am off work the rest of the week....life is actually enjoyable this weekend. Keep checking though...life reserves the right to be an ass at any given time.

I tried to re-record vocals last night. Stupid ass thing to do since I am not completely over the Black Plague. After an hour I could barely speak much less sing. I had to whip up some hot tea afterwards. So I guess I'll just have to remain silent AND impatient. Blowing out my voice is not a cool thing....so silence will win this battle.

grrrr

*sigh.....I have vocals stuck in my head, but I'm on the tail end of the Black Plague here. I doubt I'll have much time this weekend between shopping, and the "Nightmare Before Christmas" Fashion show\awards\dancing\drinking thingy on Monday night. The show is put on by the legendary bitch himself in all his glory.......:)...

The lovely Jim Pisell of Les Fleurs du Mal. The man is a genius and a hell of a nice guy and supporter of all things here in the 'lou.

Well then my Brother gets in town Christmas Eve night....then Christmas....then......then.....then....you get the idea....

So I'm sick again. Fever, chills, aching. Christ does it ever end?

Bio-Terrorism...that will be the "real" end.

Anyway, after listening to the new song 100 times. I've decided I didn't like the scratch vocal tracks I recorded. Not only was I sick...(imagine that), but I think I just want to sing it differently. So it would be nice if I could actually record and not be feeling like dogmeat. No offence to dogs.

o it finally snowed. Looks pretty..thats about it.

Will Z came over for a bit. Loaded Sonar 3 Producer. OH MY GOD! This is the shit. Loaded up the new song and holy crap it sounded good. Gonna have some fun playing with this. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Hey new software excites us making music type people OK...get over it.

So one more week of work and then I'm taking the week of Christmas off. I need a break. Plus my Brother will be in town.

I need to go shopping tomorrow. Yay. Thats Christmas shopping. I'll live don't worry.....:)

! Tired...still have lingering cold crap....not sleepy though...S.O.P.

Anyway.......later.

So I went to the Den. I dragged my ass off the couch to brave the cold. That was really my only hesitation...just didn't feel like dealing with it. But anyhow I went. It was a small, chillin' kinda crowd. Talked with Gina a bit. Sweet person...plus if I ever need a trumpet player she's there. Cool. Met some new people in the "scene" that have signed up to STLGOTHIC. Salem, Rodshaft and ...crap I can't remember the other one. Anyway talked a bit with them. Nice people. Glad to see some new blood around here. Chilled with Will Z and Jennifer St.Mairet pretty much the rest of the night coming up with cross fetish domain names for porn sites. You see I think all the fetishes have ran their course in the porn industry. It's time to combine them into something new. Untapped market and I'm going to be the first dammit. Oh you want examples?....ok

http://www.barelylegaldonkey.com
http://www.upskirtgranny.com
http://www.grandpatwink.com
http://www.trannygoat.com
http://www.hot-G-ma.com - Ok only Will and Jennifer may get that one.

There's a few...I got about 100 of 'em....Just ask Jennifer and Will Z. Apparently I am a sick individual...*shrug

Guess I'll get back to pretending to work...

Plus...It snowed today. Not that I mind snow so much but more the cold. Teeny body means mucho coldo. Z man is still sick. Um...oh I dunno...how can I depress thee dear reader?...let me count the ways....

Someone come warm me up for Christ sake.

Expect nothing...

I am slowly tuning out everyone and everything. Cutting myself off. Retreating into the cave. Closing my eyes and ears. No one exists except the circle I let in. I am bored with almost everyone and everything. Just the daily routine of people is grating on my nerves. Is this healthy?. Probably not. But then I actually sat down and wrote a song last night. I started it yesterday afternoon since Z was still sick. Got the basic idea down and then since I couldn't sleep last night I decided to finish it. So I need lyrics and vocals. So it has begun...I have finally started the process of something new musically. Funny how when I'm pissed at virtually everyone, I can just crank shit out. Actually I shouldn't say pissed. Just....well....Aggravated I guess. Whatever.

Will Z is forcing his way in to come over Saturday despite my shitty disposition...brave soul that Will. So perhaps it'll do me some good to be around someone. I am attempting the Den tonight as well against my better judgement. I need to talk to Joe so I'll risk alcohol and potential drama of some kind.

Oh in the words of Lee Ving....Fuck Christmas.

Oh and should anyone think me a scrooge of somekind, I did think of two things good about Christmas this year. We are actually still ALIVE. The Styk family household that is. Not exactly what I would call "living" but alive and still healthy other than the flu of death circling. So that is good. The other good thing is I will get to see my Brother who will be visiting from New York. At the risk of being labeled a sensitive wuss, I miss the hell out of him. Last time I checked it's ok to miss your Brother so fuck you...:)

Perhaps he'll take us all back with him...?

You're "Melt With You" by Modern English.


|| Which 80s Song Are You? ||
brought to you by Quizilla

Always liked that song...

What in the hell is wrong with people?.

I'm just going to turn this fucking computer off.

Come January some things are going to change...that's all I'm saying. Whatever it takes..new job, new city, new people, new music. It's time for a second wind...

I'll admit it. I've been cranky. Christmas, jobs, blah, fucking blah. I think everyone is. I hope it just isn't me because that means I am an asshole.

First sign of the tree going up and bam my mood changes. I mean you have to do it for the kids right?. Right. Well it depresses the fuck out of me anyway. I have always had a dislike for Christmas. I couldn't even begin to tell you why. The only thing I enjoy out of it is the lights. It's kind of cool to snuggle up with someone with the room darkened except for Christmas lights making shadows dance on the walls. Other than that I don't have much use for it. bleh.

Everyone is tired, everyone is stressed and it's sad because we shouldn't be. There are too many things still complicating our life to the extent we're unable to "live" it. I'm so tired of it. I want to take about 8-12 people and move to a secluded island and let the fucking world fall apart. I just don't care.

Something just came to mind as I write this in the foul mood I'm in...Once again I find myself needing my Father to be here for me and he's fucking dead. He bailed forever. Times like these I can't forgive him for giving up because he's needed. Scares me to think I actually think he was right sometimes. But I couldn't possibly "give up". The fucker beat me to it. If I do then the chain continues. And how silly is it I reduce it to that occasionally? Fuck. I haven't felt this pathetic and miserable in 13-14 years. The memories of those times should be warning me...

*sigh

*sigh

You know?

Work was kind of ok today since I did some running between offices. More time I don't have to be around annoying people. Car is running fine. It's half drizzling and half snow\sleet. Yay. Couldn't sleep last night for shit. My brain would not shut down. S.O.P. as they say.

Got some personal stuff on my mind. Too personal. So....go home.

Later.

Gotta go get the car here soon...yay for the car, Boo for the bill.

Forgot to buy a Powerball ticket....someone else probably won in my place. bastards.

later.

So the car won't be fixed until tomorrow and it'll be about $200.00 which is about a $100.00 more than I expected or wanted. I hate cars. Well I love them when they work. I can do smaller stuff on them but major repairs I don't do. Car mechanics have our balls in a vice people. Gotta love it.

So I'm at home. Work can stop pestering me over stupid BS anytime now. WHEN I leave they're going to freak trying to find someone else to wipe their ass for them, that's all I can say.

Read this today on Buttercup's journal (She rocks by the way)- "You will draw to yourself that which you most persistently think about" - Robert Anthony.

I have no idea if it was meant for me since she said it was to a specific person. I'm not that specific. So anyway it got me to thinking, and I suppose there is some general truth to it, but at the same time if you take it literally it can lead to false hope. Am I right? If I persistently think about winning a million dollars, the fact is that will not most likely happen. If I persistently think positively rather than negatively then yeah I can see this working to a degree. Also when dumb stupid crap happens all the time to bring you down it's hard to think about positive things. The key is focus and that can be difficult as hell. Especially when it pertains to finances as we all know. As one of the more negative people I know...that's me...I can honestly say I try and pick out the good positive things amidst all the BS. I'm a walking mish mash of good and bad, although frankly internally I tend to focus on the negative and to others I tend to focus on the positive. So where does this leave me?...us?...I don't know. I'm just rambling because I'm stuck at home today...:)

So I leave you with what today I am persistently thinking about. Tomorrow it may change, which screws up the formula I'm pretty sure.

1. A way out of this mess
2. The security to live, love and be happy
3. To just enjoy life while I can
4. To create music

That's it...nothing too specific. So for Buttercup I leave you this...it came to me at a time when I myself was thinking about some people I know and I thought the words could help in some way. Perhaps I should listen to myself more often.

Hopes and dreams and promises,
Held by domination

A bitter life filled with apathy,
On the path to ruin

Don�t you see what I see, I see someone that�s beautiful
Take my hand, embrace hope, dry your tears your not alone

Sinking, drowning air to breathe,
The bottom closing in

I have no doubt you�ll rise again,
To be the one you�re meant to be

Don�t you see what I see, I see someone that�s beautiful
Take my hand, embrace hope, dry your tears your not alone

Deep inside feel the need, it�s in your heart to be free
Lift your arms, spread your wings, you will shine, you�re coming home

Beyond reflection lies so much more
Despite the suffocation

Temptation will be hard to bear,
Just stand your ground and be strong

Don�t you see what I see, I see someone that�s beautiful
Take my hand, embrace hope, dry your tears your not alone
Deep inside feel the need, it�s in your heart to be free
Lift your arms, spread your wings, you will shine, you�re coming home

Have people asking me when the next show is already. Um....I'm saying January but who knows. Why is it when I am doing shows...ahhh fuck it....January\February ok?.....ok.


I'm getting a bit slap happy. I better quit while I'm ahead.

Later peeps...