Ok so I FINALLY got my new computer. Spent some time last night throwing Win2K on it and some other stuff. Tonight is the grand test though. The SOUNDCARD. That HAS to work. So we shall see. So far other than a few small irritating setbacks it's going well.

Other news. Rehearsals start this weekend for the October 18th show with Glow & Terminal Bliss at the Pageant. The show will also feature Fire-Breathers and Face\Body Painting. Think I'm going to have to get one of the Fire-Breathers to give me a refresher lesson. I did it a couple times spitting lighter fluid along with a bic lighter when I was a dumb stupid teenager. Wouldn't mind learning to do it right, now that I'm a dumb stupid adult.

Work has mellowed out but I'm still not entirely convinced that all is well. Keeping options open as they say.

P.S. Went to see Glow at the Hi-Pointe last Saturday. Very nice. Picked up their CD "Gabriel" as well. Very well crafted songs with some kick ass Vox by Brooke. Wouldn't mind getting together with them and writing something or contributing some Vox of my own...could be fun. Definitely check them out if you haven't already....

All for now...later

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Gessabell you are 88% similar you are 87% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your Friends?

Possible second show in October...details pending. And then we just may done with live shows here in St.Louis for awhile. Just because. Don't even ask.

Styk is a very rare male name.
Very few men in the US are named Styk.
Be proud of your unique name!
source namestatistics.com

Well DUH!....I already knew this...:)

Life is silly. People are silly. My brain is silly. Emotions are silly. I came up with a saying once..."The politics of being human are a built in trap"....you like it?...I do...anyway it occurred to me that when I type every thought I have into this thing I come out looking like some kind of freak. And that is true... I am but not for those reason's...:)

Life is good..somethings are a pain in the ass...and so we forge ahead. Hopefully there are still things to look forward to, hopefully it doesn't come off as bad as it seems.

Somedays I am fine, others I am not. I cannot help that. I try but somedays I just can't fight it. I have explained, I have expressed. I have opened up. It's like somedays you don't hear what I'm saying. But then I remember you will never truly know or understand. My perspective that is. How can you?

Nothing is a farce. I DO NOT pretend to feel something I do not. I feel like shit about myself...I have never had the greatest self-esteem anyway but something happened to make me feel worse about myself. So what do I do about it? What do you do about it? Questions...answers? I have none...I only write down my thoughts hoping to sort it all out.

Do I believe?...You?...Anyone?....sometimes. It's the only true answer I can give.

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

Your match with Kathi you are 83% similar you are 92% complementary

How Compatible are You and Your Friends?

-And All That Could Have Been-
I'm guessing you are heavily depressed over losing
someone.. or probably more than one person. In
case you've never heard this song before..


What Nine Inch Nails song are you?
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Interesting?...hmmm?

Words....blah, blah, blah. They only mean something if there is something to back them up. I shouldn't be this way but damned if I just need more substance these days. From everyone.

I told someone the other day that I only feel a "certain way" when I'm onstage. In different clothes, makeup, lights..Etc. I just don't "feel" that way ever anymore unless I'm onstage. Sure I get told occasionally. I just don't believe it. Doesn't mean I don't like to hear it. But lately hearing it isn't enough. I guess I'm just going to have to step up the music career to prove to myself I still "have it". Nothing else is making me feel "that way". Mid-life crisis don't mind me.

Did I mention I have a migraine headache, I'm tired as hell, and I can't sleep? No?. A massage would be nice.

Actually a massage, a Jack & 7Up, sleep, morphine, money, and "fuck like an animal" sex, not necessarily in that order, would be nice.

Sometimes I feel this is it...my life. Done. Over. Yet still I'm alive. Waiting...nothing left, nothing exciting, nothing new. Seems like everyone is moving on...living life. Me?...Just existing because I'm not dead yet. I feel cut off and disconnected from everyone. Bleh. I talk to people but I'm all the time looking over their shoulder for someone or something else. Constantly bored and uninterested by others. Except a few. I find myself wanting more from them than they can possibly give. Somewhere there has to be a balance...damned if I know where it is.

Nemesis


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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I've been told my Internet is back up at home. Thank Satan. Going computer shopping tomorrow...sort of. Just need to get a price at a local resource. Going to try and throw up the new photoshoot pics this weekend too. I mean there is some but there is more...a lot more. Here's a preview at the Photographers Website -

http://www.survivor.org/830/

I'm sort of bugging to start rehearsals. Soon. Very soon. Also I'm still considering a mini tour for a week or two...bleh...this I can do..I have vacation coming. Everyone else?..I dunno. I would consider one off shows on weekends no more than 24 hours away if it was worth it to do it. Obviously I can't afford to drive 1000 miles to get paid $300.00. *sigh....dammit.

It's time to get on the ball...I am so sick of working my ass off to get by. Ever see those people in your life that seem to get break after break and shit just falls in line for them? I hate those people...in your life and mine....:)

"Don't try to understand me, Just love me"

Lost my Internet at home for a day or two. So I won't be updating until this weekend. Thought I would log in from work and just say that because I really have nothing else to say. I am "borrowing" a dial-up account to check emails though. Shhh...don't tell. They will never know.

P.S. Did I mention dial-up sucks?...No?....It does. You all have my sympathy those of you still on a dial-up. It's like a thousand years have passed since yesterday. Gawd. On a lighter note this site loads pretty damn well on a dial-up so I did something right for a change.

Um..so yesterday someone posted a comment and nothing was there. So I deleted it. Today someone posted a comment, I was notified by email, went to look and the message wasn't showing up. Poo. I did get to read the message so....

Anyway I was notified they had to move servers and some comments may have been lost. So if you posted something recently give it another try. It seems to be back to normal.

P.S. Since I had an email copy of the last comment, I took the liberty of re-posting it, hopefully on the proper post.

Had the root canal done. No real biggie although after the anesthesia (local) wore off my neck and jaw were aching something fierce. So I decided to leave work early. On the way home I get a flat tire on the highway. YAHOO! Of course my spare was no good. Doesn't that just fucking figure? Anyway had to call Kathi at work to come get me and the Z-meister. So we just waited..drawing pictures on scrap paper and jamming to KISS. hehe..all in all it was no big deal but damned if my head wasn't killing me by the time I got home. You see I had left my pain pills at home to boot...bleh

Anyway I wasn't able to get the tire replaced until today so I have to go put it on the car after work. Joy.


Hopefully I'll have my new 'puter by this weekend. Band rehearsals start soon. I still need to update the photo gallery too. Things to do, things to do. Can I just win the damn Powerball already?...

Until next time.....

Phone Call:

Phone Call #1 -
K.....so I received an early phone call today. You see my regular dentist looked at my tooth the other day and said" You need a root canal". I said OK...he said I can't do it until NOVEMBER. In my head I said" You've got to be joking right?"....he wasn't. So after several attempt at friends referrals, Kathi's Oral Surgeon came through. So I'm getting a root canal today at 12:45pm....allow me to say YAY!...which means YAY I'm getting it done because this pain is getting on my nerves and causing me to be a bigger pain in the ass than I already am. It also means YAY...like as in I never wanted to have to do this anyway. I hate the dentist. Their expensive...they always give you " You should have seen me earlier speeches". They hurt you. Bad. Sometimes....I could of had them just pull the tooth. I guess for simple vanity I'm getting this done. Had it been further back I would have said screw it.....

So I'm off to the Dentist shortly. Have no idea how I'll feel later. I have never had this done. Some people say it sucks and some say it's not that big of a deal. As usual people suck. All I know is my tooth, jaw, neck, and shoulder are all aching because of this and I'm getting ready to start rehearsals for the next show. So fix it I must. Hopefully I get some kick ass dope afterwards.....

Went to Death On Wheelz last night. Didn't want to. No...not because of Who, What, When , Where, How, and Why? Just haven't been in the mood for people in general. Started out bleh..and ended up feeling much better except for the after effects of the 18 falls I took playing Roller Derby with the first born child. Yeah I'm old...blow me. Went to South City Diner afterwards too. Didn't want to do that either. Turns out I was hungry and the food helped me feel a little better.

All in all a cool night...by the way The Skatium really needs to get on the ball on the sound system because it sucked. I am a picky bastard about that stuff. That was wearing on me a bit thoughout the night. I would have offered to help fix it but I didn't think anyone involved would have wanted my help anyway. Let's not forget I'm an asshole...:)

Getting paid Monday for the side work from Saturday. This means a new computer and band rehearsals. Weeeeeeee.

*sigh....well we all knew it was going to happen. It doesn't make it any better. The Man In Black...Johnny "Fucking" Cash died today..

R.I.P. - Wow I'm going to miss him....thankfully he left behind a legacy of beautiful music.

Going to have to light a black candle and have a stiff Jack and Coke just for him.

Johnny Cash

Styk

Sigh.....the St.Louis Goth scene is emroiled in yet the same tired, boring endless debate about what else?....itself. Finger pointing....picking and choosing of clubs, people who run events, who screwed what up and being no better by saying they'll boycott this and boycott that.

Duh...this is why it will never ever "be something" here. No wonder every artist in the city that ever gets even a tiny chance of getting out....takes that chance and runs like a mofo. This scene constantly bitches about music, clubs, not enough local artists...blah blah blah...I wonder why?

Already I'm looking forward to doing a show it October that some people won't be attending because of stupid assed politics. Nevermind that it is an event, that it is a local artist , nevermind they may actually have fun if they would look beyond they're own petty bullshit, nevermind that attending despite the bullshit ensures that the scene itself still moves forward.

This is exactly why I'm working with a label that wants to move us beyond the Goth\Industrial scene. It's too picky and petty and it gets bands nowhere. There are millions of potential fans of this music that are no part of the "scene", that would love to buy CD's and see shows. Here's proof...The Human League show...20 people from the scene maybe?...yet we received a wonderful reception form people who live here and had never even heard of us. I'm not tooting my own horn...some people may not have liked us. But most did. We had people come up to us that A) had no idea who we were. B) Couldn't believe someone in St.Louis was doing the kind of music we do. and C) Wanted to be informed about shows and CD's. In short they were happy they discovered something...they liked it and want to support it. Can't say that much about the "scene". And I'm not talking about just "us". Hello there are other great bands here trying to DO something and the scene doesn't give a shit.

The same scene that bitches about National bands passing on St.Louis on their tours....

The Cruxshadows - what 65 people showed up?
Seraphim Shock - 35 people
Mission UK - 30..ok that one was goofy through no ones fault.

These bands cost money which means you lazy asses need to GO to the shows. Locally?...gimme a break...if I was doing this for the money here in St.Louis I wouldn't be making it because people here don't support the local artists. Certain people here and there do...of course with all the behind the scenes petty bullshit still going on. Some aren't in on it and don't care about those things...good for them...they are rare around here.

I don't know how many times people have asked Jeff and I over the years why we don't do more live shows. I think the answer is obvious. However I plan on doing more but the target audience is changing for me. Those people at the Human League show didn't judge, didn't care who our friends were, didn't care WHO set up the show...none of that. Didn't even care that we all wore black and makeup. They just liked what they heard and seemed to be genuinely interested in the music. I thought that was a big part of the "goth" scene?...silly me.

Anyone get the damn point yet?.....

Need to get the rest of the Photoshoot shots up. Got some nice ones. Soon...this weekend maybe. Gonna attempt a social event this weekend. Haven't been doing so hot at those. ugh. If it was today I suspect I wouldn't be the most fun to be around.



Personal -

Same shit different day....night....whatever....no sleep...bored as hell while everyone else...well sleeps. Of course it's early yet...but again everyone else...asleep.

I think I just need to get drunk and have raw "I need to get shit out of my system" sex....for hours.....you know the kind you have when it really it isn't about sex at all. The kind your just so pissed off at everything and the sex is just a way to relieve the stress.

Any takers?

You know I swear I'm going to come home one of these days, and unplug all these damn computers for about a month just so people in this house will "connect" again. Funny I say that I know...but the last month or two I've just felt that distance is not a good thing. I dunno. I'm bored and rambling....screw it.

Think I'll go upstairs, throw some CD's on and chill....and hopefully fall asleep sooner than later. Don't worry I could crank it to about 7....No one will even notice.

Been working on some Website things although not this one. Just some side work that came at a much needed time. This means the computer upgrade I seriously need will actually happen.

Personal -
um...rather quiet and uneventful....something's wrong...:)

The Withered Lover


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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Test post for comments...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

YAY!..it works....you can all leave comments on entries...screw Live Journal...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I received a rather encouraging email this morning. Later on today I will respond personally to it. It seems I do actually have people reading these entries. It also seems that my intention to stay "connected" to people by posting personal items as well as business, has proven to be working. Like I said..it may not be the most professional thing to do, but I would rather reach out to people...odd but true.

So to that person that wrote me the email...I will respond but for now thank you, I hope you continue to enjoy the music, and I hope somehow these enties help bring people like yourself in a little closer.

Styk

Need to send Sean some CD's....need to do much...still need to update.....I will....don't worry I will...


*sigh

Took a quiz...the subject is NO laughing matter....This is not one of "those" silly quizes....I already knew the answer...the answer was 36..that is apparently high...and I had to laugh. Duh....

Depression Quiz

Don't worry folks...I'm just your ordinary depressed goth...old, cynical one at that....gotta love it huh?

I want to wake up one day and feel refreshed, satisfied, happy...I want to FEEL. The absolute irony of the timing in my life right now is not lost on me...I can still laugh at it....I'm not happy about it but damn..it is one of those cruel jokes if ever there is one.

I feel a bit lost at sea lately and sometimes I think someone will grab my hand and guide me back in to the shore.

Other times I think no one will...No one can....I have to find my own way back...

Well I got the pics up sooner than I thought I would. I'll be adding more later but hey...new stuff people. You better at least take a look because I caught hell for spending 3 hours on the computer updating everything. ...;)


Personal Stuff -

I am feeling so freaking out of sync lately. On a daily basis I seem to get my hopes up for "something" and it never happens the way my brain thinks it should. Perhaps I'm just being unreasonable......

Ever want to just pull a Forest Gump and walk out your front door and just start running?...I don't really like that movie that well but damned if Forest wasn't on to something...

This song comes to mind lately...pulled it out and listened to it..The The "Slow Emotion Replay"

The more i see
The less i know
About all the things i thought were wrong or right
& carved in stone

So, don't ask me about
War, religion, or god
Love, sex, or death
Because....

Everybody knows what's going wrong with the world
But i don't even know what's going on in myself.

You've gotta work out your own salvation.
With no explanation to this earth we fall

On hands & knees we crawl
And we look up to the stars
And we reach out & pray
To a deaf, dumb & blind god who never explains.

Every body knows what's going wrong with the world
But i don't even know what's going on in myself.

Lord, i've been here for so long
I can feel it coming down on me
I'm just a slow emotion replay of somebody i used to be.

Photoshoot went well yesterday. Should have some new stuff up later this week. I think everyone will dig them, they turned out very nice. Not going to change the site design much. I like it, it works, and no one has complained. Just going to give it more of a "band" feel, as it should be.


Personal Stuff -

Went to a barbecue today. Don't get me started on the social aspects of barbecues in St.Louis. Let's just say along with eating good food, in St.Louis they're also more of an "event" that can take place every weekend. I'm not from here originally so I don't get it and after all this time I still don't. But I went. Found myself being a bit unsocial. Most of the people there I like, some were even family, good family, not bad family...:). I don't know. Sometimes I just want to be in a band and just go about life. The social part of being in a "scene" I find quite irritating at times. I know I'm a cynical bastard. But some people just get on my damn nerves. I just want to slap them. Again..just me I guess. I like doing these kinds of things, but then sometimes after I get there I'm thinking..."Gawd I just want to go home". Anyway near the end of the afternoon I sparked up a bit...bleh

Didn't help that I've been feeling pathetic, old, inadequate, and useless lately I suppose....*sigh